The best f*&%in' sh*t you can put in your mouth

There's a quaint little restaurant in Portland, Oregon, called Jam. It's on Hawthorne in Southeast. And it's great: nice waitpeople, a great brunch, good mimosas, a good crowd.

It's also home to the best f(*&in' sh&t you'll ever put in your mouth. It's called Ty's Big Breakfast.

I started making not infrequent trips up to the City of Roses in 2006 when my old buddy Emily moved up there. I had moved out to San Francisco and Portland is a just short* jaunt up I-5. So I started making trips back and forth. About the third time I was up there (sometime in the fall of 2006 or so) Emily and Josh took me to Jam.

It was great.

We started making it a tradition: Each time I was in town, we'd brunch at least once at Jam. The place is only about three blocks from Emily and Josh's house, so it was easy to roll our hungover selves out of bed and head down to Jam. It got even easier in the spring of 2007 when we discovered Ty's Big Breakfast.

I was especially hungover and especially hungry after a long night of partying and (badly) singing karaoke. So we went to Jam and on the menu I saw English muffins topped with eggs and veggie sausage patties, all covered in veggie gravy, with a side of hashbrowns. I hadn't really eaten many good veggie biscuit-and-gravy-type dishes in my day, but I seriously needed the grease and the heaviness in my stomach to keep the Greyhounds from the previous evening inside. So I thought I'd give it a try.

BEST. FOOD. ADVENTURE. EVER.

After one bite I was hooked. I sprang to life and almost started crying I was so happy. Ty's Big Breakfast was sooooo good! I ate the whole thing in about five minutes, my co-brunchers laughing at me all the while. And when I finished I tried to get the waitress's attention to let her know of the oral orgasm my mouth had just experienced.

"How was everything?" she asked.

"It was good."

"Great, thanks!"

And then, as she was about to walk away, I chimed in: "Holy sh%t! That was the best f#&^n' sh*t I've ever put in my mouth!"

And I meant it.

Laughter, of course, ensued among our party, along with many nods of agreement. I don't make it up to Portland as often anymore, but rest assured that when I'm there you'll definitely find me at Jam at least once. And yes, I'll be eating Ty's Big Breakfast.

*This is a lie. It's ostensibly a nine-hour drive, but it's always a bit longer than you expect.

If you're coming to San Francisco...

You should probably 1) call me for a place to stay and 2) eat at Lime. It's not the best place to eat--that would be A16 or Quince or Chez Panisse--but it is the best place to start a Saturday. Or continue a Friday...

Picture a place that's blaring dance music at 10:30 a.m. Picture a bunch of hipsters and queers who've been dancing all night and haven't quite yet, um, come down. Picture mod seats and rose tinted windows. That's Lime.

What's more, Lime serves $6 all-you-can-drink mimosas all day, every Saturday. On Sunday, it's $7. And, if you're like me, you can drink a lot of mimosas. A lot. So it's well worth it.

The food's decent enough, but you probably won't care after a half-dozen orange juice and champagne cocktails. I like the vegetarian Eggs Benedict, but some of their omelets are pretty good, too. The fruit's generally pretty fresh if you're into lighter fare.

But who are we kidding? I don't go there for the food. I go there for the booze. And the drinks really are bottomless (unlike some of the sweet boys in there--zing!). They may kick you out of a booth and over to the bar, but they won't quit serving you. Believe me: I've been there from 11 a.m. until nearly 4 p.m. before.

Which is just how I like to start off my weekend...

Reba's

Reba's is awesome!

It really does seem a bit out of place when compared to the other restaurants I've been to in Newton. But doesn't every town need a semi-fancy place to hang out?

I've enjoyed all the food I've had at Reba's. I think the spinach salad with the citrus vinaigrette is awesome! I like my dressings to have some pow! so I guess I could understand why others might enjoy a more subtle taste.

We always enjoy the hummus. The secret is that it's not actually chick peas. I'll leave the rest of the secret to the chef.

The music is always good. Where else do you get to listen to Beck and Elliott Smith and maybe even some Cake if you're lucky?

Honestly, though, we rarely make it in time for dinner. We usually go to hang out with Joel and Nick. They're great bartenders. They have some creative drinks up their sleeves, but are quite comfortable with the standards. They're very friendly and might even come hang out with you after close!

Reba's is definitely worth the trip to Newton!