The best f*&%in' sh*t you can put in your mouth

There's a quaint little restaurant in Portland, Oregon, called Jam. It's on Hawthorne in Southeast. And it's great: nice waitpeople, a great brunch, good mimosas, a good crowd.

It's also home to the best f(*&in' sh&t you'll ever put in your mouth. It's called Ty's Big Breakfast.

I started making not infrequent trips up to the City of Roses in 2006 when my old buddy Emily moved up there. I had moved out to San Francisco and Portland is a just short* jaunt up I-5. So I started making trips back and forth. About the third time I was up there (sometime in the fall of 2006 or so) Emily and Josh took me to Jam.

It was great.

We started making it a tradition: Each time I was in town, we'd brunch at least once at Jam. The place is only about three blocks from Emily and Josh's house, so it was easy to roll our hungover selves out of bed and head down to Jam. It got even easier in the spring of 2007 when we discovered Ty's Big Breakfast.

I was especially hungover and especially hungry after a long night of partying and (badly) singing karaoke. So we went to Jam and on the menu I saw English muffins topped with eggs and veggie sausage patties, all covered in veggie gravy, with a side of hashbrowns. I hadn't really eaten many good veggie biscuit-and-gravy-type dishes in my day, but I seriously needed the grease and the heaviness in my stomach to keep the Greyhounds from the previous evening inside. So I thought I'd give it a try.

BEST. FOOD. ADVENTURE. EVER.

After one bite I was hooked. I sprang to life and almost started crying I was so happy. Ty's Big Breakfast was sooooo good! I ate the whole thing in about five minutes, my co-brunchers laughing at me all the while. And when I finished I tried to get the waitress's attention to let her know of the oral orgasm my mouth had just experienced.

"How was everything?" she asked.

"It was good."

"Great, thanks!"

And then, as she was about to walk away, I chimed in: "Holy sh%t! That was the best f#&^n' sh*t I've ever put in my mouth!"

And I meant it.

Laughter, of course, ensued among our party, along with many nods of agreement. I don't make it up to Portland as often anymore, but rest assured that when I'm there you'll definitely find me at Jam at least once. And yes, I'll be eating Ty's Big Breakfast.

*This is a lie. It's ostensibly a nine-hour drive, but it's always a bit longer than you expect.